Editing and Proofreading for Public Sector Professionals

Know your task: the editing spectrum

Slides 1–7.

Welcome. Let’s start with you. In class, a poll asks: what type of editing role do you usually hold? Share your results.

An editing spectrum

Editing roles sit on a spectrum:

• Standard editor. Edits for accuracy, clarity, coherence, consistency, and effectiveness.
• Editorial proofreader. Performs all standard proofreading and editing tasks. Works with the author to make changes.
• Copyeditor. Proofreads and improves design or content for a new format.
• Substantive editor. Performs full edits: free and expected to suggest new approaches and major revisions.

The editing workflow

The course follows a six-step workflow. The sections of this page follow it, too.

1. Know your task.
2. Assess information design.
3. Assess structure.
4. Cut clutter.
5. Achieve the right tone.
6. Spot and correct grammar errors.

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Assess information design

Slides 8–27.

Design thinking: the process

The slide shows the design thinking cycle as six linked stages, with arrows looping back to earlier stages: care, define, brainstorm, draft, test, use. The stages group into three phases: understand (care, define), explore (brainstorm, draft), and materialize (test, use).

What good information design does: FLOW

• Follows logical order: logic flows from users’ points of view. Rich summaries everywhere—meets users’ info needs up front.
• Lets users skim and succeed: users choose and use what they need. Clear, concise words boost reading ease and accessibility.
• Organizes ideas visually and verbally: pairs visuals with words; uses visuals wisely. Provides the same info in great written summaries.
• Works for users: uses clear words customers use. Feels like conversation; human-centered information design.

The target: readers find, understand, trust, recall, and use what you write. You write useful, clear content.

Ask as you edit: how do users seek information? Which layouts help?

Information design: the inverted pyramid

Place recommendations, requests, and summaries at the top. The slide shows a downward arrow beside text bars that shrink from widest at the top to narrowest at the bottom—the inverted pyramid.

Breakout: present info in logical order

The prompt: why do they call, upset, every month? Here is the passage your breakout group revises. Try your own revision first, then open the reveal.

The passage before revision

City Energy issues lease obligation payments based on terms outlined in the oil and gas lease. We generally issue these payments to extend a lease, fulfill a shut-in payment obligation, or issue a bonus payment due under an order of payment document. We typically issue checks via certified mail. If you anticipate a lease obligation payment and have not received your check, please call Owner Relations at 877-245-1427 or send us an email.

Several items and circumstances may affect payments, including the following.

Notice of a change in ownership—When we receive notice of a change in ownership such as notice of death, change of address, transfer of property, or assignment of interest or legal dispute, payments will accumulate and release once we receive all necessary documentation and have completed the change of ownership. Missing or incorrect address—If we receive notice of an incorrect address, payments will be suspended until a corrected address is on file.

Corrections to a previous payment—Adjusting a quantity, price, or decimal may be required if there was a previous overpayment or underpayment. We mail monthly checks for oil and natural gas revenues by the last business day of the month. You should receive it by the 15th of the following month. Oil and natural gas production and market conditions—Changes in a well’s production or oil and natural gas prices may affect the amount of a payment, as can normal maintenance issues, which may impact the volume a well produces in a specific time period.

Opening statements

Opening statements should:

• Summarize.
• Announce.
• Call for action.
• Recommend.

Editing an opening statement, part 1: three issues to edit

Read this opening statement:

The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) did not commit to completing data validation before using encounter data for risk adjustment. Without fully validating the completeness and accuracy of encounter data, analysts would be unable to confidently use this data for risk adjustment, program management or policy purposes. To address this recommendation, HHS must undertake activities that fully ensure encounter data accuracy, a review of medical records must be done to fully verify encounter data.

Let’s break it into parts and work on the middle sentence first:

Without fully validating the completeness and accuracy of encounter data, analysts would be unable to confidently use this data for risk adjustment, program management or policy purposes.

Three issues to edit:

1. Inverted statement: “would be” something they would actually not be. It leads readers into a mental U-turn without cause. Could a single, clear word replace this phrase?
2. Noun stacks turning useful verbs into vague nouns: describe risk adjustment, program management, and policy “purposes” as actions.
3. Passive voice: a passive linking verb bridges us to a bunch of nouns, leaving readers with an impression of things, not need. Let’s activate this fully and convey the core message to decision makers.

Describe action with verbs, and the sentence becomes:

Analysts need validated encounter data to adjust risk, manage programs, and inform policy.

Editing an opening statement, part 2: getting to the point

Now the closing sentence. Let’s convey the main idea clearly and quickly:

To address this recommendation, HHS must undertake activities that fully ensure encounter data accuracy, a review of medical records must be done to fully verify encounter data.

Try your own edit of the full opening statement, then open the reveal.

Which works best for you?

The class compares the two side by side.

A The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) must validate encounter data. Analysts need validated encounter data to adjust risk, manage programs, and inform policy. We recommend that intake agents review medical records to fully validate this data.

B The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) did not commit to completing data validation before using encounter data for risk adjustment. Without fully validating the completeness and accuracy of encounter data, analysts would be unable to confidently use this data for risk adjustment, program management or policy purposes. To address this recommendation, HHS must undertake activities that fully ensure encounter data accuracy, a review of medical records must be done to fully verify encounter data.

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Assess structure

Slides 28–38.

Two user-friendly sentence types

• Simple: The Administrative Assistant sent a memo to all staff.
• Compound: The Administrative Assistant sent a memo to all staff, but no one took the time to read it.

Complex and compound-complex: consider an edit

• Complex—consider an edit: The Administrative Assistant sent a memo to our staff though no one took the time to read it.
• Compound-complex—must edit: The Administrative Assistant sent a memo to our staff though no one took the time to read it, and our manager was livid when she found out.

Show equal weight with structure

What can you show with structure? Equal value, weight, or importance. Two families of connecting words join ideas of equal weight. The slides show each word with the punctuation that travels with it.

• Coordinating conjunctions—a comma comes before each: and, but, nor, or, so, yet, thus, then, hence.
• Conjunctive adverbs—a semicolon comes before and a comma after: consequently, furthermore, hence, however, moreover, nevertheless, otherwise, subsequently, therefore, thus.

Does this connecting word work?

We have always encouraged volunteers; however, this year senior citizens want to join us.

Show unequal weight with structure

Structure can also show unequal value, weight, or importance—giving emphasis to one statement. These words begin the less important clause:

Try it: connect two ideas

Connect these two statements to show how the ideas relate. Decide which one deserves the emphasis, then open the reveal.

You need to sign these contracts.

You need to speak with some of this employer’s former clients.

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Cut clutter

Slides 39–66.

Clear clutter. Sometimes, we have a lot to say:

To comprehensively summarize the legions of issues discussed by or presented to the Task Force and its working groups would require a report so voluminous that it would be of limited use to all but drug-industry experts.

Getting to the point—what’s stopping us?

Break up noun stacks

Let’s start with noun stacks. Can you name the noun subject?

The staff proposal section gave enough secure information for service contract procurement.

The subject is a four-noun stack: staff, proposal, section, information. Noun stacks blur focus. Readers lose concrete recall.

1. First, ask: what actions occur?
2. Next, ask: who or what makes it happen? (Who procures?)

Eliminate the passive voice

Next, eliminate the passive voice. Watch for the forms of the word be: am, is, are, was, were, be, been.

You can activate any sentence. Ask:

1. What happens in this sentence? To find the verb.
2. Who or what makes it happen? To find the subject.

Plain talk is all about “doers” doing things. (The slide makes the point with a playing field painted “we PLAY!”)

Try it: let’s activate sentences

Try each original yourself before you open its reveal.

Original The department’s general support system, a component of its information security program, is the gateway for all the Department’s systems.

Original Ferguson is directing the additional $46 million be used to provide substance abuse treatment and support other strategies to address the opioid crisis.

Original The scatter diagram can be used in conjunction with an X chart to better detect process disturbances.

Clean up nouns hiding verbs

Before It is our expectation that most employees will work from home until July 15.

Clean up cluttering qualifiers

We sped quickly through the process to hire workers in key positions.

Try it! Let’s clean this one up:

It is particularly difficult to reconcile the somewhat differing views expressed by the management team.

Clean up fluff-n-stuff: the editors’ watch lists

Editors’ watch: nominalization. Watch for phrases like “Management has a tendency to . . . ” and “Most agencies have a preference for . . . ”

Editors’ watch: prepositional phrases.

Editors’ watch: businessese.

Editors’ watch: Latin and Greek.

Before Full-time employees earn eight (8) hours of sick leave per month. Part-time employees earn sick leave on a pro-rata basis.

Breakout: write clear, concise content

Slides 65–66 (sometimes skipped in class).

Your breakout group writes clear, concise content from a longer original. When you have tried it, open the reveal to read the model.

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Achieve the right tone

Slides 67–75.

Remove most jargon

1. Initials or acronyms others might not know.
2. In-house words.
3. Multi-syllable “monsters.”

Edit for clarity and brevity, but not at the cost of courtesy and goodwill.

State points in the affirmative

Say what readers must do, rather than what they must not do.

Negative condition The Governor may not appoint persons other than those qualified by the Personnel Management Agency.

Write for all

Consider mental images and emotions your words may bring to life.

Check for accuracy. Reflect all readers. Strive to understand all metaphors, terms, and references. See them in cultural context.

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Spot and correct grammar errors

Slides 76–119. Day two of the course begins here.

Why grammar matters: the comma that cost millions

The course opens day two with a court opinion from a Maine overtime-pay case that turned on a missing serial comma. The opinion begins:

From the court’s opinion For want of a comma, we have this case. It arises from a dispute between a Maine dairy company and its delivery drivers, and it concerns the scope of an exemption from Maine’s overtime law. 26 M.R.S.A. § 664(3). Specifically, if that exemption used a serial comma to mark off the last of the activities that it lists, then the exemption would clearly encompass an activity that the drivers perform. And, in that event, the drivers would plainly fall within the exemption and thus outside the overtime law’s protection. But, as it happens, there is no serial comma to be found in the exemption’s list of activities, thus leading to this dispute over whether the drivers fall within the exemption from the overtime law or not.

A grammar refresher: subjects, verbs, and objects

The refresher runs on one running example: two friends in a kayak.

People and things can:

• Take an action.
• Receive something as a result of others’ action.
• Relate to an action they don’t take.

We call people, things, and ideas nouns or pronouns. When they take an action, they become subjects. The action is the verb. Every verb has a subject.

Subjects and verbs Two friends ride in a kayak. One paddles and another rests. The sun sets behind them.

Most verbs also have objects. Direct objects receive action. Indirect objects receive the direct objects.

Objects and verbs Two friends share a kayak. They hold paddles. Another friend follows them.

An indirect object receives a direct object Rental companies give kayakers life vests.

Objects of prepositions Two friends ride in a kayak. They paddle with two hands. Another friend follows behind them.

Objects of the preposition cannot ever be the subject. When it feels like they take the action, look for an antecedent—a word that stands in for the subject. It appears before the preposition in most sentences.

All of the kayakers love clear water and skies.

A quick practice follows in class.

This or that? I or me

The rule: did you take the action?

• Yes—use “I.”
• No—use “me.” Use “me” for the direct object, the object of the preposition, and the indirect object.

Two quick checks, shown correct:

Killian attended two public comment meetings with Sarah, Alex, and me.

Divide the extra calls between Kelly, Chris, and me.

Use “myself” correctly

Use a self word as a reflexive pronoun. Without the subject, the reflexive pronoun cannot exist.

The mountain itself towers over sea and sky.

Editors’ watch: pronouns and antecedents

Authors often fail to match pronouns to antecedents in number.

Who or whom? Who delivered parts to the field site? The driver delivered parts to whom?

Always check indefinite antecedent use:

Each (singular) must submit his or her or their recommendations by March 3.

If you mean all, use all: All (plural) must submit their recommendations by March 3.

When you don’t know someone’s personal pronoun, but you do know it’s one person: Whomever we hire must have his, her, or their paperwork in by June 30.

Do you need the personal pronouns at all?

Any new hire must submit paperwork by June 30.

That or which?

The slides pose the question over two photos—café tables outside a restaurant, and a weathered picnic table by a lake—while the class works the choice aloud. The rules:

• Use that to introduce dependent clauses that provide essential information. Readers need the words to identify the person, place, thing, or idea. Do not use a comma to separate that clauses from the rest of the sentence.
• Use which to introduce extra info that does not change the main idea if removed, and that users do not need to identify the person, place, thing, or idea. Use a comma or commas to separate which clauses from the rest of the sentence.

Breakout: choose the right pronouns

Your breakout group corrects nine sentences. Try them in your workbook first, then open the reveal.

Match subjects to verbs

Verbs change to match subjects and tell when.

The box (singular) weighs five pounds.

The boxes (plural) weigh five pounds each.

For a full conjugation reference, the slide points to the verb tenses and conjugation guide on AllESL (link leaves this site).

Breakout: match subjects to verbs

Your breakout group matches eight subjects to their verbs. Try them first, then open the reveal.

Editors’ watch: verbal phrases

An opening verbal phrase must attach to the doer it describes.

Attached to its doer Offering her business card, Kelly said she would help.

Dangling Offering her business card, helping made sense to Kelly.

Two more, each shown dangling and then corrected:

Dangling Having studied your coaching fees, a few questions occur to me.

Corrected Having studied your coaching fees, I have a few questions.

Dangling Taking the time to read carefully, passing the test was easy for the student.

Corrected Taking the time to read carefully, the student easily passed the test.

Editors’ watch: misplaced modifiers

Misplaced Here are some directions for responding to rude comments from the head office.

Corrected The head office issued these directions for responding to rude comments.

Misplaced We have discussed how to properly fill the empty trash cans with our staff.

Corrected We have discussed with our staff how to properly fill the empty trash cans.

Editors’ watch: ambiguity

Make every statement clear. Who left for New York?

Jan sent Jane a copy of the proposal just before she left for New York.

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Punctuate properly

Slides 120–150.

Commas set info apart

Set apart nonessential words or phrases that interrupt the flow of thought from subject to verb to object or complement with commas.

Defining “essential.” Ask two questions. A yes to either means the phrase is essential: no commas.

• Does this phrase provide identifying information that readers need—does it tell us info we need to identify something?
• Does this phrase contain a subject or verb that makes this a complete sentence?

What word? Comma use?

Decide the right word and the right commas for each sentence, then open its reveal.

Laura’s annual report on employee benefits which I sent you last week defines each option.

The benefits report that I sent you last week has enrollment data.

Slide 127 (sometimes skipped in class).

One more for discussion—commas or no commas?

Researchers paid by the company who caused the spill assessed the effects of the oil spill.

Diving a little deeper: interrupting expressions

Set off interrupting nonessential expressions.

• Simple interruptions: Emily Robison, who lives in Phoenix, will deliver the keynote address.
• Independent comments—words that show the author’s own thoughts: Students should, obviously, show work readiness upon graduation.
• Transitional expressions: where does it interrupt? If it breaks a verb apart from its helper, do not set it off with commas: We have therefore concluded that we will deliver essential services in declared disaster zones.

Between two phrases that stand alone, joined by a semicolon: use a comma after the transition word.

We scheduled a delivery date; therefore, we should confirm the completion deadline.

Between two phrases that stand alone, joined by two transition words: use just one comma after the entire transition expression.

We scheduled a delivery date and therefore, we should confirm the completion deadline.

One exception—Gregg 124b. No comma after ordinary introductory adverbs or short introductory phrases telling:

• When: In 2009. Tomorrow. Recently.
• Where: Here. In this case. At work.
• How often: Sometimes. Frequently. Occasionally.
• Why: For this reason. Because of this.

Review: commas in short intro phrases

To remain employed you must complete the ACC credential or higher before your probationary period ends.

No comma after a short intro phrase that tells “why.”

On May 1 we must separate you under the terms of your Collective Bargaining Agreement.

Correct as is—a short intro phrase that tells “when.” Use a full date, and a comma after any full date, to add clarity.

We may extend your probationary period up to twelve (12) months and notify you in writing, if that occurs.

Making a mark in other ways: colons

Use a colon to create a hard pause or signal the reader to expect a list, an explanation, or an example.

• Don’t use a colon in linear text after a verb or preposition. Leave it out in these cases, even when a list follows: The remainder of the award includes litigation costs, direct trial expenses, and legal expenses of all litigating local governments.
• You can always use a colon in a breakout list. Note punctuation in a breakout list: start each line with a capital letter, as you would a sentence, and give each entry an end mark—usually a period.

Quick practice: colon or no colon? Decide for each, then open the reveal.

1. The first training session introduces each participant to course objectives, the curriculum, and the evaluation process.

2. Several kinds of photo scanners were on display: Epson, Fujitsu, ClearClick, and Avision.

The em dash

The em dash—a short straight line made up of two hyphens—emphasizes a point by separating it from the rest of the sentence.

The ellipsis

Tell readers you left something out of quoted material. The course shows a statute quote both ways:

Shortened with ellipses RCW 46.61.504 provides two criteria: “the person has actual physical control of a vehicle . . . and the person has, within two hours after being in actual physical control of the vehicle, an alcohol concentration of 0.08 or higher.”

The fuller quote RCW 46.61.504 states that a person is guilty of being in actual physical control of a motor vehicle while under the influence of intoxicating liquor or any drug if “the person has actual physical control of a vehicle and the person has, within two hours after being in actual physical control of the vehicle, an alcohol concentration of 0.08 or higher as shown by analysis of the person’s breath or blood . . . .”

Hyphens

Hyphens create compound adjectives, new words, and combinations. What’s the difference?

The officers wear GPS tracking devices with eight position indicators.

The officers wear GPS tracking devices with eight-position indicators.

If you use two words as an adjective, hyphenate only when the words appear before the noun they modify.

• Do hyphenate: We had a fast-paced meeting.
• Don’t hyphenate: The meeting seemed fast paced.

The forward slash

A forward slash shows duality: it means “it’s both.” Notes:

• and/or: choose the best word and separate these conjunctions.
• he/she/they: use “he or she or they.”
• When sharing your own pronouns, use a slash. The pronouns all describe you.

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Wrap-up and questions

Slides 151–152.

Anything else you’d like to ask? The course closes with questions and answers.

Great work! Please share your thoughts. Select your course evaluation link in the chat. You can also reach it from the Learning Center home page: SELF, then Learning, then Learning Activity Evaluations.

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